Moving Home, Downsizing & Getting Back On Top of Things!

For far too long I have struggled to maintain a semblance of balance between my home, work and online lives. I know now that juggling several websites and blogs is not only time consuming but also, with my conditions, ruining my 'me' time and having an impact on my health and family life. This is possibly one of the causes of my grand mal depression last year - and why, ever since, I have avoided my blogs and sites (to a certain extent) only posting when I felt I absolutely must.

What I think I'm saying is that I've become over-stretched by trying to maintain too many things in too many places, blogs on weebly, blogs on blogger, sites on Fibro and trying to build a social site for fibro / chronic pain sufferers. I've confused myself as well as my readers.

However, I have always liked blogging so I don't want to abandon it altogether, though I definitely need to trim off some of the branches that are no longer a pleasure. So, with immediate effect I am transferring this blog to a new site, where I will endeavour to combine every element of my online activities - A blog, (singular) with links to each of the two main fibromyalgia sites (fibromen.org and FibroMates.com) The blog and site will be hosted through Wordpress (sorry Blogger) The site will also encompass elements of my other activities and hobbies - namely web site development and domains, hosting, email sales with my micro business (GEEMAC and GEEMAC Web)

I will endeavour to reconnect with those friends I have made through this blog over time - so this isn't goodbye, merely adieu until we meet again at the new site:

My Fibro Life

I look forward to seeing you there. Thanks to those who have followed this blog and my many struggles over the past five years.

Gary

It's Been A While.....

There's something quite upsetting, yet enlightening, about leaving a blog for so long.

When you finally pluck up the courage to go back and have a look at how you were (in my case way back in February 2017) you sometimes see the reason for the lack of blogging.

Today, as I was at a loose end for the first time in months, I thought "I know! I'll catch up with the Fibro Blog!" When I logged in to the account and re-read the last post from February, I saw some hope. Hope that I might be able to persuade my readers that I had finally turned a corner, that my pain levels were now manageable, I wasn't depressed, my life was back on track...

But it isn't.

And this has, somehow, led me to the conclusion that it never will be. My life now is my life tomorrow, and the day after, and the week after that. My life is going to stay the same from now until I die.

What strikes me is this: My life will stay the same, but my attitude to it will fluctuate.

I'll have good days and bad days. I'll have days with lots of pain and days with limited pain.

I'll never have a day when I don't have pain, in one form or another - be it emotional or physical.

What I will have is days where I can handle the emotional and physical pain and days where I can't.

I just have to recognise the good days and the bad days and live my life accordingly - without getting depressed about how things are because I know that, although today might be a bad day, tomorrow could be fantastic!

So Sick of My Hat of Many Rocks.

Banging My Head on a Brick Wall

I've been relatively quiet of late for fear of boring readers with all that ails me, but I just feel the need to vent my spleen one last time before undergoing a transformation (hopefully.)

I have had pain, ranging from excruciating to agony to severe to livable, twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five/six days, for over thirteen years. Can you imagine that? If not try to imagine the pain you might feel if you were to wear a hat with a bunch of two pound sharp rocks dangling from it on varying lengths of rope - all strategically placed to bash into various points in your back, neck, shoulders, thighs, guts, knees, ankles, feet, arms, hands, wrists, fingers and toes as you move around - some days individually, some days all together at the same time but at different intensities - some pounding into you, others niggling, others constantly embedded on a pressure point. Now imagine trying to function normally with all those rocks hitting you throughout the day, then imagine going to bed physically beaten and exhausted but being unable to sleep soundly because you're still wearing your rock hat and, no matter how you position yourself, there's a rock digging into you somewhere on your body. Just imagine that hat, and while you're imagining that hat imagine also being bombarded by an additional, bigger and sharper rock straight into your stomach and intestines causing them to cramp, become sore and irritated and giving you horrendous diarrhoea, nausea, painful trapped wind, bloating, constipation. Imagine having to live with those rocks for just a short period - say, a month. Do you think you might go a little off the rails? Become depressed, anxious? You'd kill for a cure wouldn't you? Well. that's me for the past thirteen years. I'm not saying it's that intense every day but I kid you not when I say that I've been getting pounded by at least one of those rocks every day for thirteen years - sometimes the niggling ones, sometimes the two pound sharpies!

I've tried virtually every treatment known to man, have undergone more invasive tests than any person should have to endure, have taken pills and potions, tablets and lotions, with infinite hope and ultimate despair. I have had enough.

I don't want pity. God knows there are so many more people who've lived with it longer than me and who have it even worse than me - at least I can still work, albeit part time.

The time has come for a different approach. I have signed up to do something radical in a last ditch attempt to overcome fibromyalgia, crohn's disease / IBS, insomnia, anxiety and depression. I'll be writing more about this new radical approach in the coming weeks. It is going to take a monumental personal effort - and, no doubt, it's going to be unpleasant for a while, but I have to see it through to the end or fibromyalgia will be the end of me.

Hopefully I'll soon be able to remove my hat of many rocks. Wish me luck!!

Time for a Time Out to Tame the Black Dog

It's fair to say that, over the past few weeks, I've become disinterested in being ill, or at least I've become disinterested in writing about my illness.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy writing and maintaining this blog, it's just that I've reached the point in my illness where I want to focus less on it and more on myself. Is this a common feeling among the chronically ill? Is it just a phase I have to get through in order to reach the next level?

I don't know.

I feel like I've written all I can about being ill - regardless of the never ending array of new and strange symptoms - I can only write so much about sleep deprivation, back pain, restless legs, brain fog, headaches, irritable bowel syndrome. Nothing is new. Nothing inspires me to write.

This could, of course, be a symptom of that other invisible illness which is hounding me at the moment -  that big black dog depression (for which I have now been prescribed Prozac, as I couldn't tolerate Duloxetine, and some counselling - we'll see where that takes me!)

In short, what I think I'm saying is: "I need a break from focusing on how ill I am!"

In short, I'm saying au revoir for a while. It could be a short while or a long while - it depends on when and where I find inspiration (so I may be back next week!!)

I have a post scheduled for Monday morning - a sponsored post about a product I think you'll find worthwhile - and then I'm going to focus on taming that black dog!

Telling Tales - A Cry For Help!

I've been writing about my fibromyalgia journey for a few years now and I'm pretty sure that most of my readers are fully up to speed with how my fibro affects me on a day to day basis. I write about it to help in my personal crusade to raise awareness of the fact that men get fibro too - I'm also pretty sure that that fact is now well known in the chronic illness community and it is getting out to the wider community too - even some doctors believe it!!

At the moment I am in the middle of a major flare - which is why you haven't seen me posting very much in recent days on social media etc. I'm sorry about that as I do like to promote FibroMen as often as I can. The truth is I am depressed and my depression is making me extremely tired, so when I'm not at work I have to rest. I'm sure you understand and can empathise with that.

So, I'm throwing open the doors to allow others to 'fill-in' for me whilst I'm resting.

I operate another site called "My-Fibro-My-Algia" - and, as you can imagine from the title, it's about fibromyalgia and other chronic pain conditions - not just in men, but in everyone! The aim of the site is to get people talking about their condition - sharing their journey of hope over adversity with chronic pain conditions. The ultimate goal of the site is raising awareness but it is hoped that visitors will learn more about their own conditions through positive stories by real sufferers. They don't all have to be positive of course - your story might be one similar to mine, where you're currently in a bad place. We don't want to pull any punches. Living with a chronic pain condition is difficult at best and downright unbearable when things get really bad. We want our readers to understand this - especially the newly diagnosed who might be struggling to come to terms with their diagnosis - there are going to be good days and bad days, as with everything in life, but our message will be "You are not alone."

The site is in need of some content - and that is where you come in. Please take the pressure off me for a while and help me by writing a short piece about your "Journey So Far" with your condition. You can write about getting a diagnosis, what your life was like before and after diagnosis, treatments that failed, treatments that worked, alternative therapies, exercising, voodoo, devil worship, witches covens, witch doctors - literally anything that you have been through on your journey with your chronic pain condition.

By sharing your story you'll be doing three things:

• HELPING TO RAISE AWARENESS

• INSPIRING HOPE IN THOSE NEWLY DIAGNOSED OR STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH A DIAGNOSIS

• HELPING ME TO GET OVER THIS FLARE AND DEPRESSION BY RESTING 

(I can manage the cutting and pasting to share your stories though!!)

So, if you're interested, and have the time, I'd appreciate any help I can get to get more content on the site.

You can share your story HERE.

Thank you. I'm off back to bed - when I wake I hope to have an inbox full of your stories!!

(Shared with Chronic Friday Linkup and Chronic Illness Bloggers )

Depression & Fibromyalgia - An Admission.

I know, I know, we've been here before!

I wrote way back in October / November of last year about how I was battling some really dark clouds in my life. I put it down to turning fifty and being in constant pain and I was determined to overcome it without the need for medication.

Just after Christmas I thought I'd beaten it. Things began to look brighter. I was still in chronic pain and  I had, in the time since I last wrote about being depressed, been prescribed Oramorph to take alongside my Cocodamol - despite my being unwilling to go down the drug guinea pig route again. But, up until last week, everything seemed fine. I'd beaten my depression.

Then, a week or so ago, I woke up feeling really miserable one day. Nothing specific that I could put my finger on as the cause, I just felt glum. I thought I might be getting another cold and brushed it aside, but I was very snappy with the family and really easily irritated.

On Tuesday my poor, long-suffering wife, made some innocuous remark about something (I can't even remember what it was) and I blew my stack. Said some awful things and really lost control. The worst of it was that I lost control in front of our thirteen year old daughter. 

Now, even when I'm in the wrong and I know I was in the wrong on this occasion, I'm a stickler for not backing down and I used the old "well if you hadn't said / done such and such, I would never have said what I said" chestnut - which only served to amplify my wife's anger towards me and the row went on for several days. In fact, it was still going on this morning - six days later.

I had a pre-booked appointment to see my GP to review my medication at 10am today and when I walked into his consulting room everything (apart from the row) was fine. I sat down and he asked how I'd been and I just burst into tears and let it all pour out. I felt such an idiot. Normally when people ask how I've been I say "Fine" or "Not so bad" - it's a standard for fibro sufferers the world over. Today I let the standard fall. My wall, usually so impenetrable, collapsed to dust and the flood barriers opened.

Clearly my depression had not been beaten. I'd just bottled it all up, put the cork in the bottle over Christmas and New Year only for it to explode today in a spectacular, embarrassing and totally non-British way!

I walked out of the room fifteen minutes later with a prescription for Duloxetine in one hand and a wet tissue in the other, dabbing tears away from my bloodshot eyes as I walked into the waiting room, where my wife sat waiting with a smile on her face. We wrapped our arms around each other and hugged. I blubbed a pitiful, guilt-laden "Sorry" into her shoulder. 

She'd known all along that this day would come.

Welcome to The Fibro Joint - The Case for Prescribed Cannabis

I've seen many articles as I trawl the interconnectedweb relating to the use of prescribed marijuana to treat chronic conditions such as MS, rheumatoid arthritis and Parkinson's Disease. I've also seen some blogs which extoll the virtues of the drug in treating Fibromyalgia.

Although still illegal in the United Kingdom, there are growing calls for it to be legalised to treat chronic pain conditions.

Jason Duke

Today I am pleased to introduce you to our guest writer, Jason Duke - founder of MedicalMarijuanaHelp.com - a US based site providing information on the use of cannabis as a medicine - where it's legal, where it isn't and practical use guides on the many varieties of cannabis available.

Perhaps his article will inspire others to lift up the mantle and begin campaigning for a relaxation of the UK laws: (The article appears in full HERE, but here's a snippet to grab your attention!

Cannabis Is An Excellent Treatment For Fibromyalgia
Cannabis is helping Fibromyalgia in men in many different ways. In this article, we will discuss what fibromyalgia is, how it affects men differently than women, the traditional treatment options for fibromyalgia, how cannabis can help and much more.  There is a lot of controversy surrounding fibromyalgia, how it effects individuals, what causes it, is it real and much more.
Fibromyalgia in men is more common than many people realize. This disease is considered to be an invisible disease. To many people, including some healthcare professionals, Fibromyalgia is thought to be all in the patient's head. This however could not be farther from the truth. Fibromyalgia is a real condition, and it causes real, severe pain on a constant basis. This disease is commonly associated with female patients as the number of diagnoses in male patients are significantly less than in females.
It is scientifically proven that fibromyalgia is a neurochemical disease and that those individuals who suffer from fibromyalgia show a consistently larger amount of substance P than what is average in most people. Substance P is a neurotransmitter that signals pain in the body. These patients also showed significantly lower amounts of serotonin which is also a neurotransmitter. Serotonin on the other hand is a neurotransmitter that inhibits pain.
Under Diagnosed
Because men are so less frequently diagnosed with this disorder many of them are not taken seriously about their pain. Unfortunately, the drug epidemic in the United States as well as around the world has led many doctors to believe that those who complain about having pain are simply drug addicts in search of pain pills. This has a severe negative effect for those who legitimately suffer from severe and constant pain such as the many men who suffer from fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia is not just pain. For many men it is a fearful condition that leads to anxiety about common lifestyle activities and moments. Men suffering with fibromyalgia are not able to do what many consider to be "man things" such as working on cars, mowing yards, fishing, throwing a baseball with their grandkids and other activities without suffering from severe pain. This can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and much more.
Traditionally fibromyalgia is treated with a regimen of pharmaceutical narcotics that are typically opiate based. These pharmaceutical medications are highly addictive and have a long list of adverse side effects associated with them. Often individuals who are prescribed these opiates become addicted to them and see a deterioration of their health due to the side effects and long term use. READ MORE

Resolute for 2016.

On this, the penultimate day of the year, I took a good look at the posts in this blog and one word kept resonating in my head:

Misery.

And another:

Doom.

And another:

Depression.

FibroBlog is depressingly miserable and doom-laden.

So, in keeping with the tradition upheld at this time of year, I resolve to cheer up FibroBlog and make it the blog it was supposed to be - stories of success against adversity, news of research into treatments, medical breakthroughs and positivity!

It was quite obvious that the writer (me) was suffering from some sort of negativity implant.

You can get an update on how I'm feeling over at my personal blog My Fibro Blog, but from January FibroBlog will be about positivity and hope.

And to kick things off in a positive way here's a lovely picture of 2015 being crushed to death by 2016.  Happy New Year to all followers and visitors.

Gary

Why So SAD?

We are all affected by the weather. Everyone has experienced the joy of a warm summer's day or the rush to safety from a storm. The seasons affect our moods and our general attitude to life. Summer warmth relaxes us and helps to soothe pains. The winter chills us to the core and makes life more challenging - keeping warm, finding shelter, sourcing food (perhaps not these days, but our ancestors suffered!) Spring gives us hope and Autumn eases us into the harshness of winter once more.

As a chronic pain sufferer I know only too well the effect of the weather on my symptoms but as for my mindset - well I'm discovering this now.

Those who read my recent post on FibroBlog (Fibromyalgia & Depression) will know that I'm currently fighting a major depression. I don't know if it was brought on by me reaching my half-century in October or if it was because I've lived with fibromyalgia for so, so long, I just know that it's hit me really hard - and it hit me just as the nights began to draw in and the weather turned colder. And that is unusual for me. It's a change to my usual approach to the winter - I have always loved the cold, dark winter nights. Listening to the wind, watching the snow fall, seeing people scurrying for shelter - all from the comfort of my living room, with my family, a roaring fire and a nice hot cup of cocoa (the romantic in me!)

But this year I'm dreading it - quite literally - the prospect of another three months of dark nights, bad weather and yes, even the cosy nights in, has got me all miserable and moody, Battling my way to work three days a week on icy or snowy roads has never been a favourite pastime, but this year I am considering calling in sick for the whole winter. I want to hibernate, shut myself away in a dark room and not come out again until the spring has firmly sprung. It's depression, right? Well, possibly.

Or, it might be SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) a condition I've heard of but never really understood. SADA - The Seasonal Affective Disorder Association says that "for about 21% of the UK population, some of the symptoms of SAD cause discomfort and a noticeable change in mood, but not serious suffering. This is called "Sub-syndromal SAD" or "Winter Blues". For a further 8%, SAD is a much more serious illness which prevents normal function without appropriate treatment. SAD is a complex illness with a wide range of symptoms."

I know a lot of my readers are 'overseas' visitors but I'd love to hear from anyone who has experienced either "Winter Blues" or the more debilitating symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and how it might impact someone who also suffers with a chronic pain condition like fibromyalgia. I know I cannot be diagnosed as SAD as a person needs to experience at least three consecutive years of the symptoms I'm currently exhibiting, but I wonder how the advent of spring will affect my mood. Obviously I'm hoping I'll be over this current bout of depression well before then - but if I'm not it will be interesting to see if I'm hopping around the fields with the hares come March 2016!

(This post was originally shared on My Fibro Blog )

Fibromyalgia and Depression

Having an invisible illness seems to lead to other invisible illnesses.

I have fibromyalgia. I also have IBS / Crohn's Disease. As my fibromyalgia was diagnosed first I assume that the anxiety and stress that placed on me, both at home and in my work, led to the turmoil in my guts. And it's been that way ever since.

Almost thirteen years have passed since I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia and, in that time, I cannot remember a day when I didn't have symptoms from it. Of course it ranged from mild to moderate, moderate to severe, but always there. After four years of constant pain I eventually began to experience symptoms of IBS which, I assumed, were related to the lower back pain and I instantly thought I had cancer. After many weeks of putting it off I eventually went to see my GP and after a few more tests I was diagnosed as having Crohn's Disease an incurable inflammatory bowel disease. Oddly all tests since initial diagnosis have shown no inflammation so my gastroenterologist has 'downgraded' my condition to Irritable Bowel Syndrome - but it affects me no less because of this downgrading!

So, having lived with chronic pain for almost thirteen years and bowel disturbances for the past eight and a half years, I thought I'd had my quota of 'invisible' illnesses but it appears that I was wrong. For the Gods have decided to test me, yet again, to see how I cope with another layer of invisibility.

This new invisible illness came out of nowhere - as did the other two - but rather than hit me with symptoms all of a sudden - fine one minute, stricken the next - this cloak of invisibility crept up on me over a period of about two weeks. I'm talking about depression.

Obviously, when you live with chronic pain 24/7 for 365 days a year you're going to have times when you feel a little down and fed up with yourself. I've experienced times like that before but I've always snapped out of it fairly quickly and resumed as "normal" a life as I could under the circumstances.

But this depression has gone much deeper than my previous bouts of 'fed-uppedness' (if that's a word?) This depression has really knocked me for six. This depression has been the most invisible of all of my invisible illnesses - with fibro and IBS my family and work colleagues can see me physically wincing with pain or running off to the loo or holding my guts - sometimes they can hear my symptoms too, so as far as invisibility goes they're somewhat apparent to the outside world.

Depression is a whole new ball of wax. Externally there is nothing to see. I laugh at funny TV shows, I act the fool and joke around at home and make pleasantries with my customers and colleagues at work. My face and body show no outward signs of being ill.

In my head I want to explode. I want to shout at people who annoy me - the ignorant customers who don't say please and thank you when I have to fawn over them like they were royalty, the stupid ones who change their mind halfway through a transaction or wander off to get something else leaving me with a growing queue. I want to curl up into a little ball and hide away instead of facing these people. At home I join in because I have an obligation to do so, not always because I want to. I'm short tempered with the ones I love most and I hate myself even more because of it - and so it builds up and up and up until, one day, I know it surely must explode. Yet all the time I fight it so that, externally, my face looks 'real' and 'normal' just as I've tried to hide my chronic pain and gut turbulence for so many years. I try to be a valued member of society but I value myself less and less each day - I feel unworthy of praise, of love, of life itself. Things I love to do are being abandoned - art, drawing, photography, cooking for my family all feel like the most arduous of chores now whereas, six weeks ago, they were my life.

Depression is the most heinous of invisible diseases because there isn't a scrap of evidence of its existence. It's all in my head. I should snap out of it. I should think positively. It could be worse. I could be paraplegic - all the things we're told never to say to someone with depression I've told them to myself over and over again - and it's right they are definitely the wrong things to say to someone with depression because I can't snap out of it, or think positively and it couldn't be worse (surely) and I'm sure most paraplegics feel the joy of life sometimes and I know it's all in my head because it's a mental illness, to do with the brain, which is found, in most people, in the head!

I have not, as yet sought treatment for this depression, prefering to try and fight it myself - but I think I'm losing the battle. My reasons for not seeking treatment are that my GP thinks I'm a malingerer already and I'm worried about the side effects any medication might have on my already feeble guts. I know in my heart what I need to do - I've told many people in my position in the past to get treatment as soon as possible so I'm going to have to bite the bullet........ before I take a bullet.

Positivity In Pain - An Apology.

I have always considered myself to be a fairly positive person, but recently I've been having so many negative thoughts I'm beginning to think I'm turning into Victor Meldrew!

Over the years I've berated my mother in law for her negativity (a prime example would be me saying what a lovely day it is and her responding "Aye, but it won't last, it never does!") but on October 10th I reached a milestone - my fiftieth birthday. The big five-O. My half-century. And, all of a sudden, EVERY LITTLE THING IS GETTING ON MY NERVES! I have little interest in anything other than drinking tea (or Carlsburg) and watching TV. If I have to move out of my chair I do so like a petulent child. It will be no surpise to me if, tomorrow, I throw myself on the ground, thrashing and screaming, if I don't get my own way over the TV viewing for the night! I just feel like kicking-off like that, just once, to see what reaction I get.

It is fair to say, in my defense, I am in a great deal of pain, twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days of the year, but I've been at this level of pain for approaching a full year now, with no relief, and prior to my fiftieth birthday I was placidly getting on with it, living as best I could and trying not to let it get me down. Come 'post fiftieth' and a switch must have been triggered. Miserable. Grumpy. Whiny. Moaning. Depressive. Negative. I just can't seem to help it. Minor irritations are now big irritations. My pain levels have gone through the roof, or at least it feels that way.

So, was it reaching fifty that triggered this depression, or was it suffering the pain for just too long? I can't even blame the medication because I don't take any of the prescribed stuff anymore - just paracetamol which has zero effect!! Either way, I'm in a deep depression at the moment and I just want to apologise to any readers out there for my negativity. I'm sure things will improve. In time. (I hope)

Just ignore me until I have something positive to say!

Welcome to H.M.P Fibromyalgia. You'll Never Leave.

Fibromyalgia is akin to a prison. Not a nice, open prison, or even a high security pampered lock-down with all the comforts of home. Oh no! Fibromyalgia is prison with hard labour. No chance of parole. No time off for good behaviour. No chance of ever regaining your freedom. Fibromyalgia is a lifer prison, with bells on!

HMP Fibromyalgia has everything you need to live a normal life, a lovely home, comfy furniture, nice surroundings, you even get to live with your family if you have one, you might even be allowed to work in a real job, for a while. In fact, from the outside, no one would ever know you had been convicted and sentenced to life. But, inside, it's a living nightmare, a daily (and nightly) walk through hell.

I was 'imprisoned' over twelve years ago, locked up by invisible, sadistic guards who seem to want to punish me for daring to dream of being pain-free, stabbing at my intestines, twisting my muscles and tendons to breaking point, forcing cotton-wool into my head, switching on my brain just when it wants to go to sleep, allowing me the strength to plan a family outing and then cruelly intensifying my pain levels on the day of the trip, or feeding me something which, ordinarily, does not upset my delicate gut lining - except on this occasion, denying me the very basic human right to be pain free and lead a 'normal' life. 

HMP Fibromyalgia is the most vile and terrifying of all prisons because it gives you the outward appearance of being free whilst surreptitiously removing all of your freedom.

The evil and sadistic invisible guards have the upper hand at all times. You never know they're there. You never know when they'll attack but attack they will, and it will be when you least expect it. This makes you anxious every day, and that anxiety never leaves you. You may be spared punishment for an hour, a day, a week or more, but the anxiety of an imminent attack never leaves you. This psychological torture, combined with constant pain, eventually breaks you and you become depressed - as I am now - adding yet another dimension to your life sentence in another wing of HMP Fibromyalgia.

Welcome to HMP Fibromyalgia - Depression Wing. We might let you leave one day.


Hang on, No, we won't.


Oh, alright then.


Nope, just kidding!.

Are You A 'Loner' or A 'Sharer'?

When you live with any chronic condition there are highs and lows. For me the highs are when my pain is at a manageable level and I can get on with the things I want to do, whether it's mending something in the house, doing a bit of art, blogging or just trawling the internet for a couple of hours. 

These activities provide me with a bit of 'me' time, when I can escape the rigours of family life with only mild pain and life is good. Another 'high' for me is spending time with my wife and daughter - trips to the park or the local museum for my daughter and me, and days out as a family (usually involving shopping - which I abhor, but put up with for the sake of family unity!) as well as cosy nights in front of the TV. These are the things I enjoy during the 'highs'.

But doing these activities during the 'lows', when my pain is riding high,  I find depressing. It's because I'm unable to enjoy them as I normally would. I get that. Because I can't sit still to draw or watch TV, I can't walk (far) without severe pain and I can't focus on anything but the pain. It's depressing for me because I feel I'm letting my family down. It is during the 'lows' that I find myself wishing for solitude.

I'm not really nice to be around when I'm in agony. I do try, really try, not to let it affect my family, but I fail, really fail, at hiding the fact I'm in a 'low'. I don't think my family would, or should, want to be around me - so I pray to be alone. However, I rarely am alone and this makes me depressed - especially if I wake in a 'low' on a day we had planned to do something and we have to cancel - because of me, it's my fault, I'm depriving them of their fun, if it wasn't for me they'd be able to get on with it - that sort of depressed, that sort of feeling of 'if I was alone I wouldn't be letting anybody down.' 

So I've reached the conclusion that, essentially, and because I'm in unmanageable pain for probably 75% of the time, I am a 'Loner.' I hate 'sharing' the 75% of my life.

My wife is the opposite. My wife hates to be alone when she's suffering with her ME. She loves to share her pain and fatigue symptoms with us and explain how she's feeling at every given opportunity. I find that odd and, at times, profoundly irritating and yet it is also endearing and intriguing. Being polar opposites I find makes me want to be more like her. I could never go in to as much detail about my level of pain with her as she does about hers to me but, sometimes, I wish I could unburden myself like that. Case in point: I hold back on everything I'm feeling when talking to my GP - and because of my reticence to share the finer details, he is confused about how best to treat me and I no sooner sit down in front of him than I'm walking out of the door. My wife's appointments last a minimum of fifteen minutes. My wife definitely likes to 'Share' it all!!

So, what about you? Are you a 'Loner' or a 'Sharer'?

(This post was originally shared at MyFibroBlog)