Positivity In Pain - An Apology.

I have always considered myself to be a fairly positive person, but recently I've been having so many negative thoughts I'm beginning to think I'm turning into Victor Meldrew!

Over the years I've berated my mother in law for her negativity (a prime example would be me saying what a lovely day it is and her responding "Aye, but it won't last, it never does!") but on October 10th I reached a milestone - my fiftieth birthday. The big five-O. My half-century. And, all of a sudden, EVERY LITTLE THING IS GETTING ON MY NERVES! I have little interest in anything other than drinking tea (or Carlsburg) and watching TV. If I have to move out of my chair I do so like a petulent child. It will be no surpise to me if, tomorrow, I throw myself on the ground, thrashing and screaming, if I don't get my own way over the TV viewing for the night! I just feel like kicking-off like that, just once, to see what reaction I get.

It is fair to say, in my defense, I am in a great deal of pain, twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days of the year, but I've been at this level of pain for approaching a full year now, with no relief, and prior to my fiftieth birthday I was placidly getting on with it, living as best I could and trying not to let it get me down. Come 'post fiftieth' and a switch must have been triggered. Miserable. Grumpy. Whiny. Moaning. Depressive. Negative. I just can't seem to help it. Minor irritations are now big irritations. My pain levels have gone through the roof, or at least it feels that way.

So, was it reaching fifty that triggered this depression, or was it suffering the pain for just too long? I can't even blame the medication because I don't take any of the prescribed stuff anymore - just paracetamol which has zero effect!! Either way, I'm in a deep depression at the moment and I just want to apologise to any readers out there for my negativity. I'm sure things will improve. In time. (I hope)

Just ignore me until I have something positive to say!

Are You A 'Loner' or A 'Sharer'?

When you live with any chronic condition there are highs and lows. For me the highs are when my pain is at a manageable level and I can get on with the things I want to do, whether it's mending something in the house, doing a bit of art, blogging or just trawling the internet for a couple of hours. 

These activities provide me with a bit of 'me' time, when I can escape the rigours of family life with only mild pain and life is good. Another 'high' for me is spending time with my wife and daughter - trips to the park or the local museum for my daughter and me, and days out as a family (usually involving shopping - which I abhor, but put up with for the sake of family unity!) as well as cosy nights in front of the TV. These are the things I enjoy during the 'highs'.

But doing these activities during the 'lows', when my pain is riding high,  I find depressing. It's because I'm unable to enjoy them as I normally would. I get that. Because I can't sit still to draw or watch TV, I can't walk (far) without severe pain and I can't focus on anything but the pain. It's depressing for me because I feel I'm letting my family down. It is during the 'lows' that I find myself wishing for solitude.

I'm not really nice to be around when I'm in agony. I do try, really try, not to let it affect my family, but I fail, really fail, at hiding the fact I'm in a 'low'. I don't think my family would, or should, want to be around me - so I pray to be alone. However, I rarely am alone and this makes me depressed - especially if I wake in a 'low' on a day we had planned to do something and we have to cancel - because of me, it's my fault, I'm depriving them of their fun, if it wasn't for me they'd be able to get on with it - that sort of depressed, that sort of feeling of 'if I was alone I wouldn't be letting anybody down.' 

So I've reached the conclusion that, essentially, and because I'm in unmanageable pain for probably 75% of the time, I am a 'Loner.' I hate 'sharing' the 75% of my life.

My wife is the opposite. My wife hates to be alone when she's suffering with her ME. She loves to share her pain and fatigue symptoms with us and explain how she's feeling at every given opportunity. I find that odd and, at times, profoundly irritating and yet it is also endearing and intriguing. Being polar opposites I find makes me want to be more like her. I could never go in to as much detail about my level of pain with her as she does about hers to me but, sometimes, I wish I could unburden myself like that. Case in point: I hold back on everything I'm feeling when talking to my GP - and because of my reticence to share the finer details, he is confused about how best to treat me and I no sooner sit down in front of him than I'm walking out of the door. My wife's appointments last a minimum of fifteen minutes. My wife definitely likes to 'Share' it all!!

So, what about you? Are you a 'Loner' or a 'Sharer'?

(This post was originally shared at MyFibroBlog)
  

Tired all the time? You might be suffering from Fibromyalgia.

I've just read an internet advertisement that started with the header 

"Tired all the time? Then you might be suffering from fibromyalgia."

I don't know about other sufferers, but I imagine they will have experienced something similar to me, and tiredness doesn't come close. Exhaustion would be a more apt description. I've been tired through lack of sleep and I've been tired through physical exercise in the past, but I've only ever been truly exhausted through fibromyalgia. It's when your body no longer has the will to function properly. It's when your brain begins to shut down involuntarily. It's when your only thought is to sleep, wherever you are and for as long as your body needs to recover from the cause of your exhaustion - but, alas, your body won't fully recover. You'll wake almost as tired as you were before you slept.

It's at times when I'm exhausted that I sleep the most. It happens possibly two or three times a year - I get a full six or seven hours sleep (I usually sleep for far less than this) and when I wake I feel far from refreshed and my pain seems to be worse - possibly from being immobile for longer than I'm used to. Exhaustion + More sleep = more pain, and more pain means more tiredness - it's a vicious cycle!   So sleep offers me no incentive - it won't refresh me, it won't reduce my pain. I sleep because it would be rude not to. I sleep because I don't need the heating on when I'm asleep. I sleep not to recover physically but to switch my brain off from the pain for four or five hours a night, and even then it won't always let me. Sometimes the pain won't let me sleep, sometimes the pain wakes me up!

It's no wonder I look so haggered!!