Getting By.

I'm slowly rebuilding my strength. I've spent almost a whole year doing as little as possible - except for one thing - focusing on myself.


About this time last year I had so much going on in my life - blogs, reviews, websites - building and maintaining my own as well as developing new sites for friends and family, research, product reviews, contractual obligations, reading, maintaining the FibroMen site, trying to build the FibroMates site and their associated Facebook, Google+ and Twitter accounts - and all the while feeling worse and worse, suffering from agonising pain that not even morphine could counter and sinking further and further into depression and at the same time holding down a physically demanding job and trying to cope with a disabled wife and a disabled daughter, it all just became too much and one day I sought refuge in the form of a little too much medication - cocodamol, morphine, fluoxetine (Prozac) and alcohol. Not an overdose, merely a combination that was too much for my fragile state of mind to handle. I imploded.


The meltdown was so swift and my mood so dark that I shut out everything and everyone - including my wife and, to a lesser degree, my daughter - quite literally overnight. I became obnoxious. My marriage crumbled.


Apparently my whole persona changed. At work I maintained my old jovial, friendly and helpful state, but at home I was rude, indifferent and bullying. I was simply awful. I didn't want to be around my family and I tried my best, it would seem, to make them dislike me so that I could have a valid reason for leaving - there was a deeper issue going on which I can't/won't explain here, but those of you who know me personally are aware of what this issue was. All I will say is that many years, many decades, of pent up emotions and past grievances came bubbling to the surface. I hated myself, my life and everything/everyone in it. I painted on my smile and went to work for sixteen hours a week.


Now I'm getting by. My pain levels are at an all time high because I dare not take morphine again, but I'm getting by without it. I started going to a gym in late summer last year and, whilst this may be adding to my pain, or at least perpetuating it, I have fixed in my mind that the pain is a good sign instead of coming from the unknown like fibromyalgia, and I'm finding it beneficial to improving my strength so I can still work sixteen hours a week in a busy retail role. I look better too, so to hell with the pain!!


As for my marriage - well, I'm still at home. We still row, and my wife is keen to remind me how awful I was, but we're getting by.....

Depression & Fibromyalgia - An Admission.

I know, I know, we've been here before!

I wrote way back in October / November of last year about how I was battling some really dark clouds in my life. I put it down to turning fifty and being in constant pain and I was determined to overcome it without the need for medication.

Just after Christmas I thought I'd beaten it. Things began to look brighter. I was still in chronic pain and  I had, in the time since I last wrote about being depressed, been prescribed Oramorph to take alongside my Cocodamol - despite my being unwilling to go down the drug guinea pig route again. But, up until last week, everything seemed fine. I'd beaten my depression.

Then, a week or so ago, I woke up feeling really miserable one day. Nothing specific that I could put my finger on as the cause, I just felt glum. I thought I might be getting another cold and brushed it aside, but I was very snappy with the family and really easily irritated.

On Tuesday my poor, long-suffering wife, made some innocuous remark about something (I can't even remember what it was) and I blew my stack. Said some awful things and really lost control. The worst of it was that I lost control in front of our thirteen year old daughter. 

Now, even when I'm in the wrong and I know I was in the wrong on this occasion, I'm a stickler for not backing down and I used the old "well if you hadn't said / done such and such, I would never have said what I said" chestnut - which only served to amplify my wife's anger towards me and the row went on for several days. In fact, it was still going on this morning - six days later.

I had a pre-booked appointment to see my GP to review my medication at 10am today and when I walked into his consulting room everything (apart from the row) was fine. I sat down and he asked how I'd been and I just burst into tears and let it all pour out. I felt such an idiot. Normally when people ask how I've been I say "Fine" or "Not so bad" - it's a standard for fibro sufferers the world over. Today I let the standard fall. My wall, usually so impenetrable, collapsed to dust and the flood barriers opened.

Clearly my depression had not been beaten. I'd just bottled it all up, put the cork in the bottle over Christmas and New Year only for it to explode today in a spectacular, embarrassing and totally non-British way!

I walked out of the room fifteen minutes later with a prescription for Duloxetine in one hand and a wet tissue in the other, dabbing tears away from my bloodshot eyes as I walked into the waiting room, where my wife sat waiting with a smile on her face. We wrapped our arms around each other and hugged. I blubbed a pitiful, guilt-laden "Sorry" into her shoulder. 

She'd known all along that this day would come.

Please Help us Raise Awareness of Fibromyalgia in Men.

I've been busy designing banners (no better activity for a dull Sunday afternoon!!)  - for no other reason than to use in our never ending campaign of awareness raising - please help yourself and share far and wide!! I'll be sharing across our social media channels in the coming days

Welcome to The Fibro Joint - The Case for Prescribed Cannabis

I've seen many articles as I trawl the interconnectedweb relating to the use of prescribed marijuana to treat chronic conditions such as MS, rheumatoid arthritis and Parkinson's Disease. I've also seen some blogs which extoll the virtues of the drug in treating Fibromyalgia.

Although still illegal in the United Kingdom, there are growing calls for it to be legalised to treat chronic pain conditions.

Jason Duke

Today I am pleased to introduce you to our guest writer, Jason Duke - founder of MedicalMarijuanaHelp.com - a US based site providing information on the use of cannabis as a medicine - where it's legal, where it isn't and practical use guides on the many varieties of cannabis available.

Perhaps his article will inspire others to lift up the mantle and begin campaigning for a relaxation of the UK laws: (The article appears in full HERE, but here's a snippet to grab your attention!

Cannabis Is An Excellent Treatment For Fibromyalgia
Cannabis is helping Fibromyalgia in men in many different ways. In this article, we will discuss what fibromyalgia is, how it affects men differently than women, the traditional treatment options for fibromyalgia, how cannabis can help and much more.  There is a lot of controversy surrounding fibromyalgia, how it effects individuals, what causes it, is it real and much more.
Fibromyalgia in men is more common than many people realize. This disease is considered to be an invisible disease. To many people, including some healthcare professionals, Fibromyalgia is thought to be all in the patient's head. This however could not be farther from the truth. Fibromyalgia is a real condition, and it causes real, severe pain on a constant basis. This disease is commonly associated with female patients as the number of diagnoses in male patients are significantly less than in females.
It is scientifically proven that fibromyalgia is a neurochemical disease and that those individuals who suffer from fibromyalgia show a consistently larger amount of substance P than what is average in most people. Substance P is a neurotransmitter that signals pain in the body. These patients also showed significantly lower amounts of serotonin which is also a neurotransmitter. Serotonin on the other hand is a neurotransmitter that inhibits pain.
Under Diagnosed
Because men are so less frequently diagnosed with this disorder many of them are not taken seriously about their pain. Unfortunately, the drug epidemic in the United States as well as around the world has led many doctors to believe that those who complain about having pain are simply drug addicts in search of pain pills. This has a severe negative effect for those who legitimately suffer from severe and constant pain such as the many men who suffer from fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia is not just pain. For many men it is a fearful condition that leads to anxiety about common lifestyle activities and moments. Men suffering with fibromyalgia are not able to do what many consider to be "man things" such as working on cars, mowing yards, fishing, throwing a baseball with their grandkids and other activities without suffering from severe pain. This can lead to stress, anxiety, depression and much more.
Traditionally fibromyalgia is treated with a regimen of pharmaceutical narcotics that are typically opiate based. These pharmaceutical medications are highly addictive and have a long list of adverse side effects associated with them. Often individuals who are prescribed these opiates become addicted to them and see a deterioration of their health due to the side effects and long term use. READ MORE

Changes.

FibroBlog is to merge with MyFibroBlog - you'll notice some differences already.

I've decided that maintaining two blogs is just not physically possible for me anymore!

Watch out for a migration of posts as I clear out the MyFibroBlog and transfer all of them to the Blogger platform. The domain name may also change - but I'll let you know if and when.

UPDATE: To enable a smooth transition to a new domain name we have reverted, temporarily, from fibroblog dot co dot uk to fibromenblog.blogspot.com


Thanks

Gary

Taking the Rough with The Rough.

I had a colleague come up to me at work the other day and say "You look rough!"

I was shocked. Struck dumb by the fact that someone had noticed I looked ill. Usually people tell me how well I look! I had no response to give her except my stock response of "Oh, I'm not so bad!" Nothing could be further from the truth. On top of my daily struggle with persistent lower back and hip pain, IBS and toe pain (yes, toe pain - new one on me!!) I seem to have contracted the dreaded influenza that has been doing the rounds for the past few weeks. Everyone at work has had it, my wife actually collapsed whilst serving a customer last week because of it, my daughter got it late last week and now it's found me.

When I get struck by flu (or even just a mild cold) it magnifies all of my other symptoms. My famously disreputable bowels become even more disreputable, my chronic pain - which is welded at six or seven, somehow unwelds itself and hikes it's way up to an eight or nine, add to that a sprinking of nasal congestion tasting like one of my bowel movements, shivers, being boiling hot and then freezing cold, sweating, headache, blocked nose, runny nose, sore throat and a raucous chesty cough and you have the perfect recipe for feeling really, really ill!!.

Being acutely ill whilst at the same time battling being chronically ill is what really makes a rough life rougher - but it has its benefits. Most notable of which is actually looking ill.

How Do I Develop A Coping Strategy?

When my pain reaches a level where I feel like I might die from it - or sometimes wish I would die just to stop it - I find it very difficult to think positively about my condition. Anyone in constant pain for thirteen years must surely, eventually, come to terms with it and learn to live with it. Not necessarily 'cope' with it, but live with it.

I haven't. I want to alter the way I am. I want to reverse it, go back to the days when I wasn't in agony when someone touched me, the days when I could sit and watch TV comfortably, lift heavy gear at work, climb mountains, kayak in the lake district, because I miss those times so much. And that makes the pain worse.

So, how can I live my life going forward when I so badly mourn the loss of my pain-free life?

I don't have a strategy for this.

I need a strategy to help me move on. To make a new life with the added element of "this is gonna hurt, but you're gonna do it anyway and to the best of your limited ability." I already do this, to a certain extent, with my job.

At work I lift stuff I shouldn't. I know full well it's going to hurt later (as well as during the task in hand) but I plod on - cases of eight 2litre bottles of Coke, 10kg bags of flour, 10kg bags of kitty litter, 24 pack beer crates. It hurts, but I do it when I can because to not do it would be to admit defeat and give up working. There are times when my body just will not allow it of course, and my employers know this so they tolerate the days when this happens, but in the main I do as I'm asked. Despite what will follow and in spite of my condition. I do it to maintain some semblance of the life I once had.

Am I wrong to push myself like this? I don't know. I do know that there are men like me all over the world. Men who toil and push themselves, trying to break through the pain barrier in order to avoid admitting defeat. There are, I'm sure, some men out there who go through all of this agony without ever knowing that they have fibromyalgia because they think that is what a man should do, it's 'normal' for a man to do a hard day's work and come home exhausted and in pain. They shrug it off as 'just an age thing' and put off going to the doctors - I know I did, for a long time. When I eventually went to the doctor - he could find nothing wrong. No strains, sprains, pulls, tears, arthritis, rheumatics, cancers. NOTHING. So it's got to be just me getting old, right?

At thirty six?????

Eventually, when you've been through all of the examinations, pokings and proddings by 'specialists' and they have found nothing wrong to be causing you so much agony, they stick you in the fibro category, and they leave you there to rot.

"You have to learn to live with it." they say, to which your reply should be "Okay doc, I'll do just that. Where's the training room?"

There isn't one of course. There is however this wonderful resource called "The Internet" and that's where you should begin developing your strategy for learning to live with fibromyalgia. Read blogs by people with fibro. Join facebook, google+ and other social media to engage with others in chronic pain. The internet is the only resource for helping you to come to terms with, and live with, your condition.

You're not going to get that from your doctor.

Raising Awareness of Male Fibromyalgia with Imagery.

On Saturday I posted an image to the FibroMen Facebook page which seems to have struck a chord for so many people. It's something I've seen many times before in my online journey with fibromyalgia, images where people depict how they look and the same image 'bastardised' to show how they feel. I've shared these images a number of times in the past with no real, significant, interest. This one seems to have been a little more inspiring to some people.

As I write this, the original post has been seen by over 30,000 people and shared 364 times. Here is the image I posted:

It's a simple stock photo of some male model and it seems to have caused quite a stir, particularly among males with fibromyalgia. Many say it was a bad choice of image as it doesn't depict a 'real' man with fibro, many also stated that people with fibro 'don't work out' and so couldn't possibly look like the image on the left. 

Is that true? There are many layers of fibromyalgia. It affects us all in different ways, and there are some that say that the worst thing for it is inactivity. Indeed there are days when I feel like I could go back to my gym and do a few circuits - it is only the prospect of making the pain worse the next day that puts me off, but who knows, it might, over time, work to ease my pains. (I'm having trouble accepting that!)

Some of the detractors stated that an image showing a real sufferer would have worked better. 

I'm not so sure it would have had as much of an impact as an extremely healthy man being transformed into a pain-riddled wreck  - the difference is clear for all to see: "This is how I appear to the outside world - but if you could see my pain, this is what you would see!" 

I have to point out that the vast majority of males who commented on the image were positive about it - some even mused that they wished they actually looked like the image on the left (don't we all?) - but they got the message, they got the point of the post - do not judge what you cannot see, don't judge a book by it's cover, even fit and strong men are affected by fibromyalgia etc.

One thing I'm certain of is this: The image had exactly the reaction I would have wanted and, in creating a stir, it worked to increase awareness of fibromyalgia in men. It worked to get a discussion going - especially from female sufferers who, in the main, wanted it to be known that men suffer this debilitating illness too. Many stated that they thought their partners had fibro, but hadn't been diagnosed because they just put it down to "over-work" (it's a man thing!)

One should never underestimate the power of an image. Some images have the power to end wars and some have the power to start them, let's hope this image raises even more awareness of fibromyalgia in men. That is, after all, my whole reason for starting FibroMen in the first place!

Meeting The Ghost of My Former Self.

I used to be quite a fit and healthy young man. From the age of sixteen I was forced into activities I wouldn't ordinarily have undertaken. Up to sixteen I avoided any physical activity because I thought I couldn't do them with any flare or skill like my schoolmates could. I was crap at everything - running - always came last, swimming - always came last, football - always last to be picked, cricket - ditto, hockey - ditto. Sport + Gary McArthur = Disaster.

At sixteen I joined the police cadets and everything changed. I knew it would and I wanted it to. Suddenly I was challenging my attitude to physical activities as something to be shunned by forcing myself (or being forced) to undertake them on a daily basis. Granted I still wasn't any good at them, but I tried to break my mindset towards them. The police force got me hiking, abseiling, camping, canoeing, mountain climbing, cross-country running, orienteering, weight training and partaking in almost every other sport known to man in much the same way as the army trains a team of dropouts into soldiers. The police force instilled discipline and order and gave me a massive sense of achievement. In amongst all of the legal definitions and laws and regulations the police force also gave me good health which lasted me well into my thirties. Conversely, it also taught me how to drink like a fish! (but never lose my self control) and that's another story for another time.

From sixteen until my mid-thirties I considered myself to be a fit and healthy individual - not obsessive, but I remained lean and strong and enjoyed outdoor activites like hiking. I'd bump into former school mates who'd let themselves go by piling on the pounds and I felt quietly smug that I hadn't descended into obesity. I was no longer embarrassed by my slender build as I had been at school.

Then.

Then I suddenly died. It wasn't gradual or slowly degenerative. It was overnight. I woke one day with backache. It was 2003. Between then and now I haven't had a single day without pain. Obviously, there have been good and bad, as well as bad and really bad, days, but every day I have had some level of pain in my back. Sometime after the backache began I started to get pain all over my body - arms. legs, head, neck, feet, fingers, toes, hips, knees, and sometime after those symptoms started I began to get the internal ones, IBS, Crohn's, you know the drill. Fibro affects us all in pretty much the same way and a whole myriad of different strokes for different folks.

The point is this, on that day in 2003 when I awoke with backache, my former self had died in its sleep. Over the course of the next thirteen years, as each symptom struck, I gradually became the ghost of the Gary McArthur I used to be.

The physically fit Gary McArthur became the disabled Gary McArthur, and over the course of 2015 the Gary McArthur who was always positive and happy go lucky and forward thinking and strong, became the depressed Gary McArthur, the negative and whining and hopeless Gary McArthur, and it was at this point in my life that I finally met, or recognised, the ghost of my former self - that skinny and spotty little sixteen year old boy, who'd been scared of all physical activities who, through sheer determination, had turned it all around, who'd laughed in the face of his fears and grown to love them (without ever being any good at any of them) was dead. He died when I gave up being 'well'. He died when I gave up fighting. He died when I lost hope during the course of 2015 and became depressed. He died despite reading hundreds of blog posts by other fibromyalgia 'survivors', all with a positive message that laughed in the face of their illness. He died when I stopped laughing in the face of mine.

But, fear not, for that skinny little sixteen year old's spirit is still inside me and he will live again.

I've set myself a goal for 2016: To find the spirit and the grit and the determination and the hope I had as a sixteen year old boy, and laugh once more in the face of my illnesses. To challenge myself in the way I did when I joined a career path I knew I wasn't suited to, simply to face my fear of all things physical.