Unresolved emotional trauma - Mother.

I've learned recently that fibromyalgia, CFS / ME and other auto-immune 'syndromes' can be triggered as a result of emotional trauma and came across this post from a previous blog of mine. Written in May 2008 'celebrating' the 64th birthday of my mother who I hadn't seen for five years (It's now passed the twelve year mark) it shows one brief chapter in my Life with My Mother, which had always been a strained relationship to say the least. Reading the post again this morning it raised a lot of unresolved emotional traumas - I want to scream at her for being a really bad mother, I want to thank her for raising me to the point that she did (I was nine when I moved into my grandmother's) I want to beat some sense into her, I want to show her what she's been missing out on by excluding us all from her life - three grandchildren, two sons, two daughters in law - all those Christmasses, birthdays, Mother's Days when we could have been a family..... anyway, read on, you'll see it's written in blue italic pent-up anger font:

If I had a picture of my Mother (I do now - scroll down!) on this computer I'd post it here today. Today is her 64th birthday after all, so you'd expect some kind of recognition or even a bit of a celebration of her life so far. It's what normal families do, isn't it?

The fact that I haven't seen her since the summer of 2003, or spoken to her since March 2005, should be alien to most families. Not to mine.

Prior to the birth of my daughter in 2003, and for reasons best known to herself and her third husband, Mother had decided to exclude me (and my brother) from her life for nine years. It was not until six months after Emily was born that I plucked up the courage to write to her to advise her that she was a third-time grandmother. Her response was that of a normal Mother - we visited her (once she'd told us where she was living) and for a few hours one day in 2003 we were a normal family. She was overwhelmed with Emily and seemed genuinely delighted that we should put the past behind us and move forward. I was wary. With good reason.

A few days after the visit I called her and she was cool again. I asked what was wrong but she didn't want to say (or couldn't, or wouldn't) and a few days later an email arrived from her husband Richard, who advised me that I should stay away or he would call the police. His reasons? Apparently I had not called Mother to thank her for the birthday card she'd sent me and he'd assumed that the reason I hadn't called her was because she'd not included any money with the card, and that I was a scrounger, a layabout, a liar and a cheat. He is quite mad and has driven my Mother, who was never quite the full shilling, to his mad ways. Alienating her from the entire family on her behalf, but I suspect secretly with her full approval.

In March 2005 I got a call from her, out of the blue, to advise me that she had been diagnosed with osteoporosis and that I should let Steven (my Brother) know "as it's hereditary." Why she couldn't call him herself I'll never know. At some point in the conversation I mentioned my Nana (her Mother - who had sadly died the previous month), her response? "I don't want to talk about that woman!" I said "You do realise that she died last month - Richard did tell you, didn't he?" The phone fell silent for a brief moment and she repeated that she didn't want to talk about 'that woman!'. Clearly Richard had not passed on the news of her Mother's death. This explains the reason for her failure to attend the funeral.

I haven't spoken to her since. She married Richard in 1983 and quite quickly began to alienate herself from the rest of the family. Steven was first in 1986 when she 'boycotted' his wedding because of some minor disagreement over seating plans. Even the birth of her first grandchild in 1990 couldn't heal the rift - though Steven tried, and again with his second child in 1992 - to no avail. She boycotted my wedding in 1993 because I'd invited my brother. All in all, between 1983 and the present day, I have seen my Mother less than ten times.

The family had never been really close due to my Mother's ways, but after Richard came along it divided, sub-divided and sub-divided further to the point of no return.

For Mother, today will have no flowers, cards, presents, chocolates, tacky ornaments with "To the Best Mum In The World!" lovingly etched upon their surface, no visiting offspring, no dropping by sister, no high-pitched telephone calls from shy little grandchildren.

Today will be a day for Mother, with the eager support of her doting husband, to reflect on how badly she has been treated by her family, when really she should be looking closer to home, and within her own heart.

I'm sad for what could have been.

I'm not just sad anymore - I'm angry, but by being angry inside and not expressing it to the focus of my anger I'm left with this unresolved issue and all this stress, and we all know what that can do to the system. I thought writing it down might help. It hasn't.

Left to Right: My Gran, me(aged 8), my mother, my brother. At her 2nd wedding in 1975

Quality Family Time - What Does It Mean To You?

Modern life decrees that we should all run around like frightened ferrets to maintain a lifestyle none of us can afford. We add stress to our lives to ensure that we are earning enough to pay for the house, the car, the annual holiday(s) the latest hi-tech gadgets, and we do this intentionally. Nothing is ever enough.

I'm done with it all - I did the stressed out thing years ago and look where it got me, fibromyalgia, crohn's disease. My family live very frugally these days - we have to having given up, or had taken away through austerity, the high powered, high earning roles we once had, we're now both cashiers in convenience stores. But even our frugal lifestyle dictates that we must work at least 37 hours per week between us to make ends meet and that means that six out of seven days in a week one, or both of us are at work. We only get Thursdays when we can be a complete family together.

But we get by. We earn enough to pay the mortgage and rates and utilities and, because we rarely go out for meals or social occasions, we treat ourselves to a decent package of entertainment through Virgin Media.

We don't buy a new car every three years like we once did. Our car is now twelve years old and probably in need of some TLC - but only when, and if, we can afford it. We don't have the latest in high tech gadgetry - we have a ten year old laptop, pay as you go mobile accounts with second hand handsets and a Samsung Galaxy Tablet (one out of three ain't bad!) which we had to get for Emily to use for her education. We don't take annual holidays overseas for two reasons 1: We can't afford it and 2: We really don't want to. Many of you might find the latter a little strange but we really don't want to - we have all we need on our doorstep, so much history within a hundred mile radius of us that we have yet to explore, so many visitor attractions, beaches, lakes and natural beauty within walking distance, why would we want to fly half way round the world when we can do it all at home?

It's also good that we are all singing from the same song sheet too - it would be hell on Earth if one of us had some kind of wanderlust and the other wanted to be a hermit - we ALL love the way we live - work as little as often, earn what we need to live in that time and the rest of the time be together as much as we can and enjoy "Quality Family Time" in front of the TV or playing a game or doing some sort of craft,  with a cosy fire, a nice cup of tea and warm slippers!!