Getting By.

I'm slowly rebuilding my strength. I've spent almost a whole year doing as little as possible - except for one thing - focusing on myself.


About this time last year I had so much going on in my life - blogs, reviews, websites - building and maintaining my own as well as developing new sites for friends and family, research, product reviews, contractual obligations, reading, maintaining the FibroMen site, trying to build the FibroMates site and their associated Facebook, Google+ and Twitter accounts - and all the while feeling worse and worse, suffering from agonising pain that not even morphine could counter and sinking further and further into depression and at the same time holding down a physically demanding job and trying to cope with a disabled wife and a disabled daughter, it all just became too much and one day I sought refuge in the form of a little too much medication - cocodamol, morphine, fluoxetine (Prozac) and alcohol. Not an overdose, merely a combination that was too much for my fragile state of mind to handle. I imploded.


The meltdown was so swift and my mood so dark that I shut out everything and everyone - including my wife and, to a lesser degree, my daughter - quite literally overnight. I became obnoxious. My marriage crumbled.


Apparently my whole persona changed. At work I maintained my old jovial, friendly and helpful state, but at home I was rude, indifferent and bullying. I was simply awful. I didn't want to be around my family and I tried my best, it would seem, to make them dislike me so that I could have a valid reason for leaving - there was a deeper issue going on which I can't/won't explain here, but those of you who know me personally are aware of what this issue was. All I will say is that many years, many decades, of pent up emotions and past grievances came bubbling to the surface. I hated myself, my life and everything/everyone in it. I painted on my smile and went to work for sixteen hours a week.


Now I'm getting by. My pain levels are at an all time high because I dare not take morphine again, but I'm getting by without it. I started going to a gym in late summer last year and, whilst this may be adding to my pain, or at least perpetuating it, I have fixed in my mind that the pain is a good sign instead of coming from the unknown like fibromyalgia, and I'm finding it beneficial to improving my strength so I can still work sixteen hours a week in a busy retail role. I look better too, so to hell with the pain!!


As for my marriage - well, I'm still at home. We still row, and my wife is keen to remind me how awful I was, but we're getting by.....

Would You Want To Know How You Might Die?

I recently undertook a test. A simple spit test, into a vial, which was then posted off to some

laboratory in deepest, darkest Eastern Europe.

The purpose of this test was to determine, from my DNA, my risk factors for developing specific ailments in later life (at least I hope they're for later life. Much later)

Why did I do this? Who really wants to know how they might die? Not me, that's for sure. Or so I thought.

But then I considered the evidence of how my life has changed so much in the past thirteen years. How I've developed these 'conditions' which have led to such drastic change for me and my family. How limited I am now in what I can do. And I thought to myself: If you'd known fourteen years ago how bad life was going to be wouldn't you want to have had the chance to do something about it? If not stop it completely at least stave it off for a few more years by doing things differently, or changing my lifestyle, getting treatment earlier?

Now I know that that is not how it happens with fibromyalgia or crohn's disease - you either get it or you don't. I don't think there's anything anyone could do to stop or delay or prevent these conditions. But there are so many preventable conditions out there that, if only they'd been caught earlier, might not lead to such drastic consequences - ie. death.

The old adage "prevention is better than cure" kept popping up in my head.

What if? Life is full of "What if?" - "What if I hadn't smoked for thirty years?" - "What if I'd exercised more?" - "What if I'd eaten more healthily?" We're plagued by "what ifs?" and, if you're anything like I used to be, we dismiss them and think "life is for living, let's not think about that right now - pass me another ciggie and pour me another beer so I can wash down this bacon double cheeseburger and fries before I bunjee jump off this suspension bridge!"

It inevitably comes with age. The creeping doubts, like the creeping lines in your skin. What if I'm getting old?" "How much longer have I got?"  "Ouch! Where did that sudden pain come from?" The old me would say "Ah, it's nothing." The current me thinks otherwise; "it's cancer, it's diabetes, it's heart disease..." the doubts. Prevention is better than cure.

So, against my better judgement, I signed up for The Futura Genetics DNA Test. When my kit was delivered I hesitated for a short while (two days) Did I really want to do this? I did it.

I registered my kit online and completed the online registration questionnaire which asked if I wanted to know my risk of developing Alzheimers - I ticked "NO" - (As it turned out they gave me the result anyway - but that's another story!!) I parceled up my spit tube and the courier came to collect it the next day.

That was a month ago. My results came through today. I'd forgotten all about it! (Doesn't bode well on the Alzheimers front!!)

I now know I'm unlikely to die of melanoma, an aneurysm or breast cancer. I do know that my risk of developing prostate and colorectal cancer is above average and that I am 7.4 times more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes than the average - this was by far the largest multiple on my result sheet and something I wasn't expecting - I am unlikely to develop lupus, arthritis or arterial thrombosis and I am at only slighter higher risk of developing heart failure. I am 2.4 times more likely to develop multiple sclerosis than the average.

Each result is countered with a disclaimer - that other risk factors and lifestyle choices have not been considered and that the result is based purely on the DNA sample provided and checked against a vast array of previous results from white males of my age group.

I have to say that I was scared to open the report at first - I really didn't want to know what future ailment might see me off into the great Fibro lounge in the sky - so it was with some trepidation that I finally plucked up the courage to view it.

By far the biggest shock was the risk of Alzheimers - despite my request to not be advised of this risk. (I have to say that I have spoken with Futura about this and they are working on ensuring it never happens again - it was a system failure which has now been rectified.) My risk of developing Alzheimers is quite high and I am probably going to spend the rest of my life looking out for signs and symptoms - I already have the confusion of fibro-fog and am quite forgetful - especially when it comes to remembering films I've seen in the past - my wife will often say "Shall we watch that again?" and I won't have any recollection of watching it previously!

My main concern however is the risk of colorectal and prostate cancer - I have had bowel 'issues' for a number of years now - and many polyps have been removed during the three or four colonoscopy examinations I've endured. It's probably just a matter of time before one of them becomes cancerous and I've been aware of this risk since 2007 - this test confirms that I need more regular check ups in this area and that confirmation via this test is undoubtedly a good thing. Another plus to the knowledge I now have is that I can put in place lifestyle choices to counter and reduce any potential future risks - specifically in relation to my much hightened risk of Type 2 Diabetes - I hadn't been aware of any potential risk. I'm not obese, I eat as healthily as I can and I avoid most sugary foods and drinks - though I am partial to chocolate and beer!! It has also highlighted a high risk of me developing celiac disease - which I was tested for earlier this year with negative result - this also will need to be checked regularly.

Above all, and despite the unfortunate alzheimers result, I'm really pleased that I now know the extent to which my lifestyle might impact the diseases I could develop later in life. It is reassuring to know where my risk factors are high and (sort of) comforting knowing that I have the opportunity to change things by just altering some small things in my life.

I'm glad I did it. I can either use it as a warning to change or try to bury it in the bowels of my mind and forget all about it, but then what would be the point in that? I have been given the risk probabilities. I know where trouble might lie and I can do something about preventing or delaying it - that's got to be a massive plus for this test.