Getting By.

I'm slowly rebuilding my strength. I've spent almost a whole year doing as little as possible - except for one thing - focusing on myself.


About this time last year I had so much going on in my life - blogs, reviews, websites - building and maintaining my own as well as developing new sites for friends and family, research, product reviews, contractual obligations, reading, maintaining the FibroMen site, trying to build the FibroMates site and their associated Facebook, Google+ and Twitter accounts - and all the while feeling worse and worse, suffering from agonising pain that not even morphine could counter and sinking further and further into depression and at the same time holding down a physically demanding job and trying to cope with a disabled wife and a disabled daughter, it all just became too much and one day I sought refuge in the form of a little too much medication - cocodamol, morphine, fluoxetine (Prozac) and alcohol. Not an overdose, merely a combination that was too much for my fragile state of mind to handle. I imploded.


The meltdown was so swift and my mood so dark that I shut out everything and everyone - including my wife and, to a lesser degree, my daughter - quite literally overnight. I became obnoxious. My marriage crumbled.


Apparently my whole persona changed. At work I maintained my old jovial, friendly and helpful state, but at home I was rude, indifferent and bullying. I was simply awful. I didn't want to be around my family and I tried my best, it would seem, to make them dislike me so that I could have a valid reason for leaving - there was a deeper issue going on which I can't/won't explain here, but those of you who know me personally are aware of what this issue was. All I will say is that many years, many decades, of pent up emotions and past grievances came bubbling to the surface. I hated myself, my life and everything/everyone in it. I painted on my smile and went to work for sixteen hours a week.


Now I'm getting by. My pain levels are at an all time high because I dare not take morphine again, but I'm getting by without it. I started going to a gym in late summer last year and, whilst this may be adding to my pain, or at least perpetuating it, I have fixed in my mind that the pain is a good sign instead of coming from the unknown like fibromyalgia, and I'm finding it beneficial to improving my strength so I can still work sixteen hours a week in a busy retail role. I look better too, so to hell with the pain!!


As for my marriage - well, I'm still at home. We still row, and my wife is keen to remind me how awful I was, but we're getting by.....

Telling Tales - A Cry For Help!

I've been writing about my fibromyalgia journey for a few years now and I'm pretty sure that most of my readers are fully up to speed with how my fibro affects me on a day to day basis. I write about it to help in my personal crusade to raise awareness of the fact that men get fibro too - I'm also pretty sure that that fact is now well known in the chronic illness community and it is getting out to the wider community too - even some doctors believe it!!

At the moment I am in the middle of a major flare - which is why you haven't seen me posting very much in recent days on social media etc. I'm sorry about that as I do like to promote FibroMen as often as I can. The truth is I am depressed and my depression is making me extremely tired, so when I'm not at work I have to rest. I'm sure you understand and can empathise with that.

So, I'm throwing open the doors to allow others to 'fill-in' for me whilst I'm resting.

I operate another site called "My-Fibro-My-Algia" - and, as you can imagine from the title, it's about fibromyalgia and other chronic pain conditions - not just in men, but in everyone! The aim of the site is to get people talking about their condition - sharing their journey of hope over adversity with chronic pain conditions. The ultimate goal of the site is raising awareness but it is hoped that visitors will learn more about their own conditions through positive stories by real sufferers. They don't all have to be positive of course - your story might be one similar to mine, where you're currently in a bad place. We don't want to pull any punches. Living with a chronic pain condition is difficult at best and downright unbearable when things get really bad. We want our readers to understand this - especially the newly diagnosed who might be struggling to come to terms with their diagnosis - there are going to be good days and bad days, as with everything in life, but our message will be "You are not alone."

The site is in need of some content - and that is where you come in. Please take the pressure off me for a while and help me by writing a short piece about your "Journey So Far" with your condition. You can write about getting a diagnosis, what your life was like before and after diagnosis, treatments that failed, treatments that worked, alternative therapies, exercising, voodoo, devil worship, witches covens, witch doctors - literally anything that you have been through on your journey with your chronic pain condition.

By sharing your story you'll be doing three things:

• HELPING TO RAISE AWARENESS

• INSPIRING HOPE IN THOSE NEWLY DIAGNOSED OR STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH A DIAGNOSIS

• HELPING ME TO GET OVER THIS FLARE AND DEPRESSION BY RESTING 

(I can manage the cutting and pasting to share your stories though!!)

So, if you're interested, and have the time, I'd appreciate any help I can get to get more content on the site.

You can share your story HERE.

Thank you. I'm off back to bed - when I wake I hope to have an inbox full of your stories!!

(Shared with Chronic Friday Linkup and Chronic Illness Bloggers )

Your Stories - Fibro From a Partner's Perspective (Guest Post)

Fibromyalgia. It's a very difficult illness to deal with. I can say that in all honesty as I know the pain of fibromyalgia and all of the misery and suffering it, and its associated conditions, can bring. 

There are so many blogs about fibro, mine included, that are written by, and therefore from the perspective of, fibro sufferers. But what is it like to be a partner or carer of a fibromyalgia patient?

It's refreshing to find a blog that shares the story from a partner / carer's point of view. This is Tim Clevinger's story:

FIBROMYALGIA - It Affects Men Too - AS SEEN BY A HUSBAND / CARER -
 
"In February of 2006, we had our first child, Gabriel. My wife had to have an emergency induction, and he was born four weeks early. I knew this procedure would have a physical effect on her, but what came next, I knew would have longer lasting repercussions. We became pregnant with our second child six short months after Gabriel’s birth. 

The stress of having two young children within fifteen months was difficult to bear at times. We were brand new parents to one child, and before we could even grasp parenting, we had a second child. 

At first I thought stress and sleep deprivation was causing her pain. I always assumed that time would heal, and she would return to be the active, stress-free person I grew to know and love. This was not the case. She was getting worse with no clear cause. 

Needless to say, it was an emotional time for us. She would have regular doctor’s appointments and they all told us the same thing, “Time will heal. Take medication.” This wasn’t an appropriate solution. She only had the option to take some over-the-counter medicine and rest which only subdued the pain, not relieve it.

Before long, we had our third and fourth children. I think the last pregnancy is what triggered her in a downward spiral. It wasn’t only just the pain that was taking its toll; it was also mood swings and depression. So many days I would come home from work to find her crying upstairs in our bedroom because of the pain. All I could do was hold her and reassure her. 

I couldn’t empathize with her pain. She resented me for that. What could I do? I felt helpless. I hated it. The person I love most in this world was being attacked and there was nothing I could do about it. 

The strongest person I’ve ever known is crying to me for help. Many nights I would cry while she slept; praying to a God I’m not sure exists in the hopes that someone or something will hear me. She does not know this until now.

I tried, and still try to help around the house more, and help out where I can. I like to think that my efforts make a difference, but her constant painful cringes and crying tell me otherwise.

In December 2012 she found a doctor that solidified the notion that this in fact was a condition. Finally!!! Now we have a plan, and we have a means of controlling it. Unfortunately there is no cure for chronic pain and fibromyalgia. I wish I could take the pain from her.

I know she’s strong enough to fight for her well-being. She can now take part in physical therapy, and she is always finding natural remedies and ways to manage her pain. 

The person she is today is a complete 180 from the person she was a year ago. Her mood swings are non-existent, and her depression is manageable. I know that if she can fight through this, then I can fight with her. I will never truly understand her pain. Helping her, and supporting her is the best that I can do. I can only hope that others that suffer with this physical affliction can find their strength. Every day my wife impresses me, and every day I admire and love her that much more for her strength."

So, you see, fibromyalgia affects everyone and sometimes it's very difficult for us patients to fully understand what our partners are going through, especially when all we can focus on is our own pain.

This "Your Stories" feature is reproduced with kind permission from an orginal post by Brandi Clevinger on her blog Being Fibro Mom  and was also shared as part of FibroFiday at Fibro Blogger Directory
If you care for a fibromyalgia sufferer you can share your perspective too - just click here.