My Mid-Life Rebirth

I've been absent from most social media and websites for a period of some seven months.

I apologise if my disappearance caused anyone any concerns.

The truth of the matter is that I suffered some kind of meltdown. Years of pain coupled with months of depression finally caught up with me and I decided, for my own sake and the sake of my family, to shut down everything!

I avoided my computer. I left contractual obligations unmet and projects unfinished, I stopped responding to emails and, eventually, gave up even opening my email client on my phone or tablet.

I sought help from my doctor, who prescribed Prozac. The prozac kicked in after three weeks and for a few weeks I felt bouyant enough to concentrate on getting myself fully better. I had some hope of beating the negativity I'd been feeling for months. But within a few weeks the Prozac had stopped working - or had worked too well - because I suddenly found that my whole personality had been transformed, and not in a good way. My wife and daughter bore the brunt of this new "personality." I became unemotional, withdrawn, spiteful, argumentative and downright bad-tempered.

My life, in just a few weeks, had irrevocably changed. My marriage suffered (beyond repair) and we are now still living in the same house, but only because we cant afford to divorce or sell the home we had made for our daughter's future. If this situation continues to work for us both then at least Emily will always have a home once the mortgage is paid off - but it's far from ideal for either of us.

I became a different person - in so many ways I'm not going to describe here - I changed, and not in a good way.

At the time of writing this- it is now January 14th 2017 - I have reached a point where I feel I can function. To me I'm back to my old self - but it seems, that to my family, and in particular my wife, I am still the person I became in early summer last year.

Being in constant pain meant I was prescribed many different drugs - all of which played a part in my downfall. Most notably I was prescribed Prozac - which, when combined with morphine, amitriptyline, cocodamol and copious quantities of alcohol, completely altered my personality in the way already stated.

I am still in constant pain - despite the drugs. Despite the drinking. Despite everything.

Pain is now my life - emotionally as well as physically. Pain rules. I no longer take Prozac. I no longer drink to excess, I limit my morphine intake to days when I'm not working. Yet still - pain rules.

PAIN RULES as it has done for the past fourteen years.

It reached a peak in early summer 2016. I took prescribed medication to help. It didn't help.

I took advantage of the breakdown of my marriage to indulge in a different way of life - in the hopes that being true to myself would somehow heal my pains- it didn't.

I undertook a course of psychological counselling to try to beat my depression. It didn't work, but it did force me to take a good look at myself, and the overriding facts became clear (so in that way I suppose the counselling did work.) Pain was ruling and ruining my life because I was letting it take over. From waking to going to sleep pain was in my every thought and action. Pain, pain, pain. More pain and a little pain added for good measure. I was encased in pain. Not merely physical pain, but mental pain too.

I forced myself to join a gym. I turned the mental pain into more physical pain - but there was a reason for this pain. A cause to my suffering that I could identify - I was exercising my aching muscles and now they ached because I was working out - not because of the fibro - I was causing the pain and, in this way, it became more acceptable psychologically.

Being able to identify the cause of at least some of my pain made it a whole lot easier to accept - plus this pain has added benefits in that I look much better, physically, than I've ever looked. I have muscles - the guys at work now compare themselves to me rather than the other way of me comparing myself to them (and feeling inadequate like I always did) I'm fifty one, but I feel so much better than I did when I was twenty one.

Some might call it a mid-life crisis. I call it my mid-life rebirth.

Being Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed is a word I used to associate with joy - "I'm overwhelmed to meet you!", "Your beauty overwhelms me!" I've never thought of it in the context of being overwhelmed by an illness. But that's how I've been feeling for a while now.

My illness is overwhelming me. I feel like it's beginning to become me, to define who I am, and I don't like it one bit.

I'm determined to not let fibromyalgia become me. Like some creeping algae slowly enveloping me in its insidious green slime. So far it's taken over so many aspects of my life - work, social, family. 

There's so much of the life I once knew that is now stagnated by fibromyalgia. I'm no longer able to plan anything with any certainty, family outings have to be decided on the day and can end abruptly half way through an activity, work has been reduced to just 16 hours a week - and still I have to call in sick some days, and my social life ended about four years ago.

Accepting you have an illness and accepting the limitations that illness places upon you is one thing, but allowing the illness to define who you are is an entirely different kettle of fish, and it's something I don't want on my epitaph - "Here Lies That Guy with Fibro."

I suppose I'm going to have to get myself a new mindset to accomplish this feat. I definitely need a shot of positivity to begin with, so I'm throwing this out there to ask:

"How do you keep yourself from being overwhelmed by your illness?"

"How do you stop yourself from becoming your illness?

 Answers on a postcard to.... or you can just post a comment!

All suggestions will be considered seriously.