Last Night

I've had one of the worst weeks for sleep.

I've never been the best of sleepers - usually retiring late and rising early - and I know that sleep distubance is an intrinsic part of FMS. But for the past four nights I've lain awake (and in pain - though that goes without saying thesedays) with no prospect of sleep.

I've gone to bed in my usual tired state. Laid down, turned off the lights and instantly woke up - not half asleep awake - w  i  d  e   a  w  a  k  e! 

I'm not awake because of the pain - because I've slept in pain for many years - I'm just awake. I have nothing on my mind, no thoughts are running through my head - "Did I remember to switch off the TV?" "Is the front door locked?" none of that, a completely empty vessel that just will not drift into sleep.

I laid there, in the dark, trying not to focus on sleeping, trying not to focus on the pain, trying not to look at the clock. I tried not to look at it at midnight. I tried not to look at it at 1.30am or 2.45am, and I certainly hoped not to see it at 3.30am. Alas, I saw all of those times, and many more in between and after.

By 4.30am each night I conceded defeat in my epic battle with sleep and got up to make a cup of tea. At 7am on the first morning I attained the "24hrs without sleep" badge. 48 hours the next day. On the third night I got an impressive four hours sleep and last night saw me scale the dizzy heights of six hours.

It's bad enough to be in constant pain with fibromyalgia, but for it to steal our most precious means of minimal recovery, so we might function during the day, seems to me to be the cruelest of all the many horrors this disease has to offer its sufferers.