Are You A 'Loner' or A 'Sharer'?

When you live with any chronic condition there are highs and lows. For me the highs are when my pain is at a manageable level and I can get on with the things I want to do, whether it's mending something in the house, doing a bit of art, blogging or just trawling the internet for a couple of hours. 

These activities provide me with a bit of 'me' time, when I can escape the rigours of family life with only mild pain and life is good. Another 'high' for me is spending time with my wife and daughter - trips to the park or the local museum for my daughter and me, and days out as a family (usually involving shopping - which I abhor, but put up with for the sake of family unity!) as well as cosy nights in front of the TV. These are the things I enjoy during the 'highs'.

But doing these activities during the 'lows', when my pain is riding high,  I find depressing. It's because I'm unable to enjoy them as I normally would. I get that. Because I can't sit still to draw or watch TV, I can't walk (far) without severe pain and I can't focus on anything but the pain. It's depressing for me because I feel I'm letting my family down. It is during the 'lows' that I find myself wishing for solitude.

I'm not really nice to be around when I'm in agony. I do try, really try, not to let it affect my family, but I fail, really fail, at hiding the fact I'm in a 'low'. I don't think my family would, or should, want to be around me - so I pray to be alone. However, I rarely am alone and this makes me depressed - especially if I wake in a 'low' on a day we had planned to do something and we have to cancel - because of me, it's my fault, I'm depriving them of their fun, if it wasn't for me they'd be able to get on with it - that sort of depressed, that sort of feeling of 'if I was alone I wouldn't be letting anybody down.' 

So I've reached the conclusion that, essentially, and because I'm in unmanageable pain for probably 75% of the time, I am a 'Loner.' I hate 'sharing' the 75% of my life.

My wife is the opposite. My wife hates to be alone when she's suffering with her ME. She loves to share her pain and fatigue symptoms with us and explain how she's feeling at every given opportunity. I find that odd and, at times, profoundly irritating and yet it is also endearing and intriguing. Being polar opposites I find makes me want to be more like her. I could never go in to as much detail about my level of pain with her as she does about hers to me but, sometimes, I wish I could unburden myself like that. Case in point: I hold back on everything I'm feeling when talking to my GP - and because of my reticence to share the finer details, he is confused about how best to treat me and I no sooner sit down in front of him than I'm walking out of the door. My wife's appointments last a minimum of fifteen minutes. My wife definitely likes to 'Share' it all!!

So, what about you? Are you a 'Loner' or a 'Sharer'?

(This post was originally shared at MyFibroBlog)